From the beginning
We arrived back in the uk after a three week road trip honeymoon of New Zealand. We both always wanted children and thought where better to start trying for a family than on your honeymoon. From my calculated dates my period was due to start when we were flying back. The thought of a 30 hour flight while on my period was something I really hoped to avoid, and I did. We landed and phew I had got away with it. I had been having a few dizzy spells and hot flushes while we were away but I put this down to flying messing with my ears and the hot weather. I never put two and two together until over a week later.
Back in the UK we visited family, went back to work and returned to normal. When it hit 35 days since my last period I started to think maybe I was pregnant, but as a long cycle is not uncommon for me I waited a few days longer. Day 38 came and the nerves started to kick in. I have always wanted children and love babies but when the reality of actually being pregnant was a possibility there was a thread of doubt. Was I actually ready for this? Too scared to go to the chemist I ordered two pregnancy tests from Amazon which arrived on day 40. I had the day off that day but couldn’t bring myself to take a test until my husband was back. So I waited…. All day. When he came home I showed him the test box and he was a bit surprised that I had not done it already. So I went to the bathroom to do the first test. I chose the standard two line Clearblue version test and proceeded to try my best to pee on a stick. Now anyone who has ever done this will know it is not as easy as you would think, especially not when you are filled with anxiety and your hands are shaking like you have drunk too much coffee. Anyway I managed it, replaced the cap and placed on the side and set a timer. You are supposed to wait the full amount of time before you check the test, but couldn’t bear it and bam within 10 second the two lines where there. A deep distinct cross. OMG I’m actually pregnant and in the first month of trying. I swear this egg must have grabbed that sperm as if it was the last cookie on the plate.
That’s when I lost it. I was crying so much I couldn’t speak. I came out of the bathroom and just waved for him to go and look for himself. He was confused why was I crying? Because I was happy it was positive or sad because it was negative. When he came out he just hugged me. He didn’t say anything, just hugged me and then asked if I was ok. We sat down and cried together. Its different. When you dream of something you want so badly for so long and you have this vision of what its gong to be like. Having the perfect baby and being so in love with it. Imagining the future and everything you are going to teach that child. Then when it becomes real you panic. At that point I went into full panic mode. What if I have a bad labour, what if I have a miscarriage, Postnatal depression, giving up work, the pain, the morning sickness. A thousand things ran through my mind and all of them negative. That’s the problem when you have anxiety. The negative thoughts takes over and you are drowning in them, the positive seems like the rescue crew that can’t see you waving. So I did the only thing I know to do to cope. Cry. Cry until your head pounds and all you want to do is sleep, because then you are unconscious and you don’t have to think about it anymore.
Next morning I woke well before I needed to get up and proceeded to start the next stage of coping. Google the crap out of everything. Firstly I tried to work out how far along I was, which proved to be more difficult that I thought. With irregular periods my dates could be within two weeks great so I was around 5 weeks pregnant. Google stage two. Pregnancy symptoms. Now being a qualified veterinary nurse the medical world has never been a problem for me, I understand the majority of Dr speak and can happily read a research journal without getting lost. So I in-depth searched for early signs and symptoms of pregnancy and when each was supposed to show its ugly head.
1. Dizziness and fatigue. Tick. Seemed like I had those from before we were even home from New Zealand,
2. Tender breasts, nope they seemed fine.
3. Nausea and vomiting usually occurring from around 6 weeks, Nope I felt great apart from the still background lurking anxiety which can make you queasy.
4. Spotting, again nope nothing of the kind. Implantation bleeds at around 10 days after fertilisation is very common so I was surprised I had not had this.
5. Cramping, tick, I definitely had this and each time I had it before I took the test I thought it was my period on its way.
So 2 out of 5 main symptoms. Turns out I’m not as text book as I thought. Because I had only had 2 minor symptoms I thought well maybe the test was wrong so I did the other one. This was the Clearblue digital test. It shows you in writing pregnant or not pregnant and then an approximation of how many weeks. The pregnant sign came up even before I had got the cap on properly. And then soon after the words 3 weeks flashed up. Which is three weeks from fertilisation. Which agreed with the calculations I was about 5 weeks pregnant. This time I didn’t cry it was more of a relaxed acceptance and a trigger that I needed to get my butt in gear and start to get out of the hole I was creating for myself. So I rang my GP and was told to come and pick up some forms for the midwife. That night I told my best friend and she was excited for me and then told me I had to tell my line manager for my own safety.
You see being a vet nurse I have to do many things which you don’t do in your standard office job. There are so many things that can put you at risk. Xrays, Anaesthetics, handling of the larger animals, working nights, Toxoplasmosis, Leptospirosis, Salmonella the list goes on. So at not even 6 weeks I had a midwife appointment and a health and safety risk assessment in place. In my line of work you can’t not have people find out before the sacred 12 weeks mark cause your colleagues think you are slacking off and making excuses for not doing your job. The only thing me and my husband agreed to after that was not to tell our families or friends. The thought of miscarriage was still always on my mind and its more common than you think so I felt I could cope more with only work knowing. So I’m 5 and half weeks and I have nothing to show for it other than the word of one stick that I peed on. I don’t feel pregnant or look different, I guess I’ll just have to wait until I get fat.